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| Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
-Sarah Williams "The Old Astronomer to His Pupil"
I just saw the first few pictures from my dear friend Sarah's wedding. They are...perfect. Perfect in capturing her essence and the essence of her relationship with Ben. She's one of the last people I could think of as married; not because she's undesireable (open mouth, insert foot), but because she's my little vagabond (meant in the most loving, endearing way possible). At this moment, though, I can see no one else that would match her better than her husband. They just...get...each other, and it's beautiful. People deserve that kind of love: the love of someone who doesn't judge, but understands, accepts, and loves anyway, unconditionally. Like the love of a friend you can tell anything without shame, it is wonderful and rare. Thankfully, it exists.
And so I sit here, smiling at midnight, thinking that if that kind of love exists, this world is a better place for it.
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| I am near-sighted, but only enough to make things in the distance look a little like an Impressionist painting. There, visible, but unfocused. The Fall colors and cool morning enticed me out to take a walk. It was the first time in quite a while that I was able to free my mind, letting it go where it wanted. So, of course, it went to the leaves, the sticks, the trees all around, and made me feel at home. This part of Virginia is very different from Indiana, but not in as many ways as I expected. Fall is here, as are the changing leaves, the types of trees, the squirrels, and the cars. People are here, friends are here; they just aren't the same people and friends that I left in Indiana. But as I was walking, I didn't feel the absence, only the presence of the here, the now, and that I am so glad that my new home has pieces of my old home. My old home that is slightly out of focus, thanks to absence. But, when I'm walking, I forget that, and only feel the air and wind, only see the birds and trees. When I'm walking, I find peace in my surroundings, and peace in myself. Nature has always been my church, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I don't want it to. And so, I eventually stopped, looked around, and turned back, only to encounter a friendly cat and a friendly area neighbor, who shares the same passion for rescuing animals that I do. That, too, made me feel at home. That, too, brought this new world of mind into a little better focus.
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| Those of you who know me know that I usually only write in times of extreme emotion, usually duress. I've been in Virginia for a week now, but today was really the first day that I didn't have something I needed to do or some plan of where I was going. It ended up being kind of a rough day for me, but I can't say that I didn't expect it at some point. Those of you who know me also know that I love people, and sort of become an emotional mess when I don't have the option of being around those dear to me. While running errands, I started trying to think through the loneliness, and these are some random wanderings of my brain:
- I love my mom. She's probably one of my dearest friends, whom I always forget I have until I need her. I can talk to her about anything; and when it comes down to it, I don't think it's such a bad thing that I am SO MUCH like her. Because, I am. And that's fine with me.
- I also love my Aunt Joann and Uncle Pat. They are some of the most wonderful, unique, and caring souls I know. That's probably why I moved closer to them, so I could see them more.
- It's easier to truly be myself and embrace my own thoughts when I'm alone for good amounts of time. But, I love my friends (and just people in general, actually), and I love that my relationship is unique to every individual. I don't think being a "chameleon in relationships" is such a bad thing.
- I seem to have an addiction to bags...not that my taste is considered the best by a lot of people, but I really am very picky. My newest has a kangaroo, and it makes me smile.
- The trees and hills of Virginia are beautiful, but my shins really don't like walking around in them.
- I love waking up a picture of some of my best friends, then looking at my wall and seeing the beautiful painting by my roommate.
- I have an affinity for guitar music, especially solo guitar, and Pat's new CD is absolutely wonderful.
- My room is organized, but my desk still looks like a wreck. I guess even the pristine Virginia condo can't be without a little classic MaryElla chaos.
- I think hot, milky drinks don't agree all that well with my stomach. Bummer, because I really love mochas.
- Having a manual transmission makes me enjoy driving just that much more.
- My landlady is kind of a gossip, but I think really means the best, and seems to be a very considerate person. I try to remember this when it's annoying me.
- I miss my puppy.
- I think I'm going to try to start volunteering at an animal shelter. It really is something I enjoy doing, and I kind of miss it.
- "Shepherd" is a funny looking word, but I guess most words are when you look at them long enough.
- I don't miss Indiana, but I miss the people there.
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| I just said "goodbye" to my student of 2 1/2 years for the last time. Of all the "goodbye's" in this graduation experience, that was the hardest one yet. | | |
| I was driving today, and realized that I feel lighter, freed from a net of guilt associated with trying to convince myself to believe something that I really don't. I had two great discussions, at the end of which I decided that I couldn't keep pretending, and I have to trust the beliefs that I hold so dear, instead of trying to convince myself that they are flawed in some way. It feels good to be free. Also, here's my mission statement from LITA, which was formed after a few drafts and a great deal of cutting down: To innovate, adapt, and overcome. To look to and pursue the positive. To love and appreciate life and what it brings, whatever it may be. To give freely. | | |
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